Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
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[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.