No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
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It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo