me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
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The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
what
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
#SCOTUS one-star review
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Not all heroes wear capes…
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo