Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
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This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers