“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
You Might Also Like
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
meow
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms