it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
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[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Good morning y’all ☀️
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no