Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
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[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
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*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
They’re on their honeymoon
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*