Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
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Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
What
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.