My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
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People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Grandmother clock.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon