my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
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Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.