Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
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My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.