Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
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Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
My flabber has been gasted.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.