friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
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He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.