My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
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Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.