Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
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Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.