TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
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Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that