Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
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I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.