Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
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Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.