[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
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My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win