3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
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Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!