Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
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My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Jupiter
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers