I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
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“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Breaking news:
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Scream sneezers need love too.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank