If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
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You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
we’re dead?
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse