The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
You Might Also Like
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
They’re called werewolves.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
#winning
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*