oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
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Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time