My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
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We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.