librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
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Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
I wish all tests were things you peed on
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
an octopus is just a wet spider
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Zack Greinke stories are the best
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
no
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached