Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
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When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
I falcon love using swear birds
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Classic German Shepherd 😂
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….