I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
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I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.