it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
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You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit