Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
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You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
What if the weather talks about us?
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail