I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
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Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.