I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
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Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.