*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
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WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
They did not miss in the small print
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.