Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
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Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years