Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
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[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
Jurassic park gets weird
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no