I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
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Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…