Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
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People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
My dryer is celebrating lint.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore