“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
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“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
I missed you with all my darts
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Fight
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*