Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
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I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so