Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
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*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Effort made
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.