Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
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Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Was it something I said?
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?