*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
You Might Also Like
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.