I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
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Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person