Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
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the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?