[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
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I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
choose your gary
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
The 6 types of sex
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.