Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
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My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox