Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
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I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.