A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
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Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
🤣🤣🤣
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
this is so top tier i cant
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.