guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
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Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!